Do you want to be right or happy? I can’t remember the first time my mom said those words. All I know is that I thought something along the lines of: Well, if I’m right, I’ll be happy. I didn’t get it, really. Now, I really do. Even when my impulse is to stand my ground, to form the argument in thought or words, to know I’m making the right choice, the right move. There is more than one way I feel like I need to be right.
We humans are funny creatures. We have the deep-seated desire to always be right. We’re often afraid of being wrong, of making a mistake. Goodness knows I’ve felt that way most of my life. Honestly, it’s a battle I am still fighting.
Being wrong can be embarrassing.
Not only that, but it also often makes us reframe our thoughts, perspectives, opinions. True, sometimes only a tiny, little bit. But other times in some pretty substantial ways.
Just before I left Illinois to come back to Washington, I took advantage of Audible’s two books for one credit sale. To get this deal, I had to choose from the selection offered (oh, my…but what if I choose the wrong books? I’ll have wasted my credit and any time I spent listening! So, I spent a significant amount of time scouring the offerings).
One of the two I ended up with is a book called Badass Habits by Jen Sincero. In it, she reminds the reader about how much people do not like change. I know I’ve said the same thing many times before (as have a bazillion other folks out there). I often frame it in my mind in terms of fear of the unknown or fear of failure. Jen puts a slightly different twist on it. She frames it in the need to be right.
Now, her discussion of this topic is couched in a larger discussion on why you might find that some friends and family don’t support you when you start making changes in your life to meet your needs, move you closer to achieving goals or living a fulfilling, healthy, happy life. The people in your life see you a certain way. They have expectations based on their understanding of and experiences with you.
When you go and change your behaviors on them (say, by setting new boundaries or deciding you need to dedicate time to pursuing your dreams or self-care instead of indulging in old behavior patterns), then their ideas about you are no longer right.
And that won’t do for many. At least not at first. But that’s ok. Over time, they’re likely to readjust their ideas, and then they’ll be right about you again. If not, they may move on. And that’s ok too.
We’re also seeing how this need to be right can impact a country, even the world. We all want to be right, and we’ve left very little room for readjusting our perspectives. It makes for
Rigid views
Rigid opinions
Rigid beliefs
Rigid lives
Rigid societies
I’m trying to soften my instinct to externalize my rightness, to validate my opinions and ideas and thoughts by vocalizing them when in they are in opposition to the other.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I think there is a time and place for speaking our truths. Sometimes, we have to express ourselves, say what we think, or defend ourselves. But there is wisdom in knowing when we are speaking our truth and when we’re just trying to prove ourselves right or justify our opinions. I do not need to prove I am right to validate who I am. I am valid just because I am. And so are you.
As far as what we do in our lives? Sometimes being wrong or making a mistake is the biggest gift we can give ourselves. It allows us to push outside of our comfort zones, knowing we’ll be alright. It opens a space for learning more about ourselves: who we are underneath the armor we’ve built and what we want out of life. And sometimes the mistake is what actually takes us to the next amazing step in our journey. Without the mistake, we miss out on the opportunity.
So, instead of focusing on the mistakes or fearing them, I’m trying to look at them as opportunities, as gifts. Getting it wrong can be the most right thing that happens. And really, I don’t always get it wrong. I’m just afraid that I will. And my path isn’t the same as anyone else’s. But that doesn’t mean they’re all right and I’m wrong, or that I’m right and they’re all wrong.
Mom is right. I would rather be happy. But she doesn’t need to be right about that to be happy. And neither do I.
Peace and much love,
Des